1. At art school in Tartu a professor gave us tubes of oil paint with “ОКСИД ХРОМА ЗЕЛЕНЫЙ” written on them. I was born into a family of painters during the 90s in Estonia, and I started painting with oil colours very early. I remember going through cardboard boxes of paint tubes with strange letters on them; some of them were brown, some yellow, some red. But mostly, when my hand pulled out another tube, hoping it would at least be black, I was disappointed: ОКСИД ХРОМА ЗЕЛЕНЫЙ.
Because I don’t understand Russian, I never learned the names of pigments. I had no words for colours.

2. It is 1989 in Tallinn, Estonian SSR, five years before I am born. My mother and father are taking photos. The three photos have a central composition and since the subjects are out of focus, it seems as if the camera was held by unsteady hands. Though the photos seem to be simple by-products of the mechanical act of pushing a button, I was amazed by their beauty. For three months I painted copies of the images. I have painted my parents many times before and I think it relates to the fact that they embody someone I once wanted to look like.

3. It seems I have caught Painting and I have to distance myself.
It looks as if I have caught Painting in my tummy and I feel my face is drained of colour.
Because I was sweating green sweat all night, I’ve got the impression that I have finally caught Painting.

Greenhouse is a house with suitable conditions for growing.

Growth happens in a greenhouse.

Greenhouse is a house with suitable conditions for growing plants. These plants are set apart from
the rest of nature, protected from the outer environment; they are inside where the atmosphere
is warm and humid, growing up from the strings and creating their own specific rhythms.
Inside a Hothouse you are being isolated;

you are being watched.

Greenhouse consists in itself of paradoxical attributes: it creates a comfortable and warm
environment, meanwhile in its spatial construction it dictates the boundaries of growth and
patterns. Glass might create an illusion of spaciousness but in reality it acts as a separator,
leaving also space for a controlling gaze from the outside. Through the metaphoric space of a
hothouse the artist meditates on personal growth, atomization, experiences of mental illness
and contemplates on individual and society, isolation and the attempt to overcome it.

Isolation as a defence mechanism – First proposed in psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud according to whom unpleasant or threatening thoughts are being isolated from the rest of the thoughts. The aim is to create as few connections between unpleasant and other thoughts as possible; so that they would eventually disappear. 
Through replicating and interpreting one pattern, I aimed to explore the way I am replicating an established norm in the society.
The exhibition Going Through It presents a series of aquarelle paintings depicting an ambiguous organ-like-being. The paintings arise from my personal feeling of disgust caused by the strong sense of one’s own physicality and deal with the response to that sensation. Using that sensation, I analyse the negative feelings towards the Other.

Central motif of the work is my own body that all of a sudden feels foreign, like an abject – a feeling brought up by a feeling of not having the “normal body”; the conflicting relationship between the body in advertisements, social media, etc, and own body; in situations where the idea of the body is formed artificially and my own body feels “too real” in the existentialist sense, referring to nausea in which case the feeling is almost one of disgust. The organ-like body has deformed nipple- and vulva-like elements. These elements in the work are motivated by the way female nipples and vulvas are generally depicted in our culture. Female nipples are hidden, when they are not, they are small but hard, vulva, as well, has to be small or like in the case of the Pioneer space probe, launched by NASA in 1972, containing information about life on Earth, completely absent. ​​​​​​​

The paintings are mainly pale, without strong colour, with only a few drops of intense colour added to stress the absence of it. Inside the works are human-size holes. With the absence of the missing piece, another layer of emptiness is added. ‘Emptiness’, ‘hollowness’, ‘missing’ are important keywords to the work: we cannot always talk about these feelings towards the foreign; but one can imagine a more body-based sensation to create empathy towards it. 

I am interested in the way the feeling of otherness with our own body can be translated into the experience with the Other. The title Going Through It refers, both, to the emotional stress of going through body-hatred, but also going through it, overcoming the hatred by interacting with, facing the hatred.

The works will be displayed behind each other in the room, creating a tunnel for the viewer to go through. The viewer has the possibility to experience the uncomfortable situation by forcing the body to adjust the hole, and in that sense the artwork deals with the process of adapting in life in a wider and more philosophical sense.
Pastel Pills, You Make Me Happy is a painting installation in which I have concentrated on the effect of colour on human psyche. The starting point were thoughts on colours in hospitals and the pastel shade of anti-depressants. It turns out that the anti-depressants are designed according to their effect: reddish pills are meant for energizing and blue-ish pills are meant for calming down.
In this piece I am depicting also different surfaces that also relate to one's mental state. For example, I depict red(dish) velvet that is culturally felt as royal. The clothes are also big that can make one feel powerful - feeling that is lacking when going through depression.
By using close-up and regular portrait form, skin-like colour and white, I aim to ask:
what is inside and what is outside?
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